Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Getting Dumped 101 For Gays

Getting Dumped 101 For Gays by (Me? Dumped? Never! Lies! All of them, vicious Lies!) Joachim Frequently, when a man decides to dump another man, he wants to do it his way and be in total control of the process. Truth is folks; gay relationships aren’t any different from straight relationships - you meet someone you fancy, get to know each other and fall in love convinced (for the 53rd time of your life) that you’ve finally met The One. Then things fark up over something stupid like forgetting to buy the KY, you break up, LIFE’S A BITCH AND YOU DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH BY SOLITUDE AND SEXUAL STARVATION!!! Not that I’ve ever been dumped before or anything. Keen on the man-on-man dumping agenda is the need to preserve some level of congeniality in the relationship while severing all official ties. In other words – “Hey, I’m dumping your bitchass but let’s remain friends ok? This sentiment is borne largely out of the fact that the gay community is relatively small in comparison to the greater population. To have a nasty break-up would mean a) everyone and their sugar daddies will be talking about it for weeks; adding some “cili padi” and “lada hitam” at every turn, thus affecting your future espoucement opportunities and b) you ruin any chance of getting back together. “WTF?!” I hear you cry. “Why even think about getting back together when you’ve just broken up with somebody?” What you must understand is that one can only have so many relationships before one is fresh out of supply of man-meat and finds oneself back in the same butcher shop that began it all. Hence, the art of dumping is an intricate balance between emancipation from current sexual slavery and covering one’s ass. No buns, I mean puns intended. So if your boi boi decides to dump you, expect elaborate strategies and carefully planned lines designed to keep you at arms length but at the same time ready on call should your services ever be needed again (choiiiii!). My personal favourite is the ol’ “I love you but we just can’t be together” – immediately followed by a heavy sigh, trembling lips and eyes welling up with tears of remorse over some mysterious tragic occurrence that “you wouldn’t understand even if I told you”. There are those who have yet to master this dance and prefer to just not deal with it, hoping that it will all go away. Or rather that you will go away. So if he tells you that he is moving to San Francisco, after moving to San Francisco or starts hanging out in Liquid every night of the week, be forewarned – you are about to get dumped quicker than you can say “shit”.

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