Wednesday, October 04, 2006

attractive but heartless Posted by Picasa

Chinawimmen are completely heartless

I’ve come to the conclusion that Chinawimmen are completely heartless. They seem to possess a control+alternate+delete switch in their brains that when flipped on will delete your file, empty their recycle bin and defrag their hard drives, thereby effectively deleting you from their memory bank and lives completely, irreversibly and forever. Let me quantify that when I say Chinawimmen here, I mean the sophisticated urban variety that knows the “t” in Morlot is silent, is comfortable in spaghetti straps, will order a Paella when Risotto is not available and doesn’t think Gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father. I am not talking about the Ah Lian or Cina Bukit species who pack lunch to work, carry boiled water from home in recycled mineral water bottles, follow the latest Hong Kong fashion, have long forgotten their original hair colour, speak loudly in mandarin and are generally rough, rude and crude. I’ve been trying to forget MW. It’s not easy because we’re best buddies. Heck, I even visit her parents every week. I can see her, hear her, smell her, talk to her but I can’t have her. That well worn cliché “so near yet so farkin far” never rang truer. She dumped me three years ago and I still don’t know why. I know what you’re thinking. Three years? You’ve been carrying the torch for her for three years? It’s about time you bloody got on with life innit, you pathetic mofo? I agree. So I resorted to the drastic measure of trying to delete her from my life by not chatting with her on msn and not replying her sms-es. I lasted five days. It made things worse because I felt guilty and thought of her even more. Sigh… A coupla days ago, I bumped into E, a Eurasian F&B Director at a leading hotel, He looked haggard and won out. Over a cup of grossly overpriced coffee at Starbucks, he told me how his Chinawoman wife had left him and their ten year old son for another man and how it had devastated him. What do you say to a friend in situations like this? I could only nod my head sagely, make the right sympathetic noises and pay for that damn overpriced coffee. While I know these are rare and isolated cases, Mama was right when she told me thirty years ago that Chinawimmen were downright heartless biatches. Part of the problem is that their market value is so damn high. Bloody Kweilohs go gaga over them (don’t even open that door and get me started). Malay guys fish for them Every Indio I know will bust his black ass to get himself a Chinawoman, and of course Chinamen go for them too, naturally. Another big plus point is that you don’t have to worry about converting to another religion as most of them are either Christians or Buddhists. Then there’s the fact that they’ll eat anything and everything and drink alcohol as well so you don’t have “halal” issues to deal with. They also have a fiercely independent spirit and are not clingy and sticky like Malay and Indian girls, which only serves to make them more attractive. Completely heartless no doubt, but a very attractive package nonetheless. As for me I don’t see MW as a Chinawoman per se. Firstly I see her as a very intelligent person who can mentally and verbally spar with me and is not afraid to kick my pompous and arrogant Punjabi ass when need be. I like that. I respect that quality because I’m a cynical, hardbitten bastard who easily gets bored talking to empty heads. Hello? Are you paying attention? Secondly I see her as a gorgeous and physically attractive female, which is a bonus. She’s my soulmate. It just so happens that she’s Chinese. My housemate, L recently got so fed up seeing me moping around the apartment and exhibiting all the symptoms of pre-menstrual syndrome that he suggested I see a bomoh to get MW back. “All you need is her full name and a photo, dude” he chirped happily. I politely declined his offer for several reasons. Firstly, I believe a couple should be in a relationship because they both want it and are committed to it. Secondly, what happens if the “spell” wears off and the relationship breaks down later on and there are kids involved? Thirdly, how can you live with yourself knowing that you “forced” her into loving you through unnatural means? I’m certainly no angel but It just ain’t pukka in my book. “But the end justifies the means, dude” shot back L defensively. Thanks, but no thanks, dude. I have too much respect and love for her. My principles won’t allow me to even consider it. Now, dear reader, if you’ll be so kind as to excuse me, I have some serious moping to do around the apartment. By the way, in case you’re still blur as a sotong - Chinawimmen are heartless.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Guide To Find Your Type of Girl Around Town

Depends on what kind of chicks u r looking for: 1) Teenage chicks with lots of skin to bare who prefer to dance the whole night and would most likely have a Mat Motor boyfriend: Shadows (Bangsar) 2) Classier chicks with velvet gowns and can dance, not any dance, but Salsa : Q-Ba at Westin Hotel (Bintang Walk) 3) International school chicks (white chicks/jap-chicks/exotic looking chicks) who love to drink : Mezza (formerly T-Club Bangsar) 4) Working chicks who are looking for love : Bar Flam (Bangsar) 5) 'God-fearing' chicks who play carrom from Bangsar Gospel Centre : Coffee Bean / Star Bucks i.e. any coffee place in town whose average price is around RM10 for a cuppa (this weeds out all the coffee shops in Lucky Gardens) (Bangsar) 6) Hard-core biker chicks or the opposite.. Tudung chicks : mamak stalls in front of the food court previously known as Jolly Green Giant (Bangsar) 7) Chicks who are dating guys who are already married / guys who wanna be girls : Red Chamber (Bangsar) 8) Malaysian girls who speak with a British/American/Aussie/Rojak accent who think they are BBC/BBI/BBM(u know wat I mean) and are looking for a boyfriend who has blonde hair and drinks 'Snake Bite Black': Finnegans (Bangsar) 9) Malaysian girls who speak with a British/American/Aussie/Rojak accent who think they are BBC/BBI/BBM who have already found a boyfriend from Finnegans : Telawi Street Bistro (Bangsar) 10) Girls who look like boys who like girls who look like girls: Seasons Pool Club (Bangsar) 11) Paula Malai Ali type of chicks: The Social (Bangsar) 12) White chicks with white boyfriends/husbands (who also have tan-skinned girlfriends from Beach Club/Thai Bar etc.) : La Bodega (Bangsar) 13) Chicks that have rich boyfriends and like expensive red wines: Grappa / Wine Bar Heritage Row 14) Chicks that have poor boyfriends and want a taste of western food : McDonald's / Burger King Bangsar 15) Party chicks that think they're so happening they don't mind sweating in a firetrap for 4 hours: Passion 16) Hip-hop chickas who know someone who knows someone who's having a pissup/birthday party and they can avoid cover charge: Nouvo / Sangria 17) Pill-popping chicks and they're drug-induced boyfriends: Atmosphere / Carlos 18) Pill-popping chicks who don't want to go out with "playaz" but suddenly find themselves trying to grab the attention of the "playaz": Bliss 19) Feng Tau chicks : not sure but we think its the old Emporium or K Club 20) Capati chicks who are already betrothed to some distant cousin on their father's orders : Dhol, Bangsar. 21) Beautiful popping chicks with very little clothing & supposedly gangsters boyfriends : TBR KL 22) Beautiful model chicks or wannabes with cheeky friends in tow who can hold their drinks : Velvet Contributed: Zaira, Kartina, Ziber Re-edited: Jd

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Getting Dumped 101 For Guys

Getting Dumped 101 For Guys by the master of getting dumped himself, Dave Avran Frequently, when a woman decides to dump a man, she wants to do it her way and be in total control of the process. This usually involves a long "sharing" or "processing" session where she tries to cushion the blow so that she can feel a minimal amount of guilt and discomfort. When getting the axe, the average guy goes along with this female agenda, allowing the woman to feel good about herself while he, at best, gets his hopes dashed, or worse, his heart ripped out. So allow me to clue you in on taking control and short-circuiting your "girlfriend's" game plan. It would have been a mistake to meet with her and have a "heart to heart" talk so that she could have assuaged her own guilt while you would have wound up with the booby prize (no pun intended). If your woman utters any of the following five phrases, get ready to kiss her cute ‘lil ass goodbye for the last time. There are certain telltale phrases that a woman will use that immediately signal the demise of your relationship with her. As shocking and hurtful as it may be to be ambushed by one of these zingers, if any one of the following quotes comes out of her mouth, you should pull the plug on the whole deal right then and there, bow out gracefully and cut off all future contact. Keep in mind that she won't like it when you take control and throw a monkey wrench into her plan. Why not? Because she's not getting to drop you the way she was planning to. Let her protest, whine or blame you - you may see a dark side of her come out that you never knew existed. And don't get sucked into this "We need to have closure" bull. "Closure" is Womanese for "let's have a long talk where I can sell you on why it makes sense for us to break up so that I don't feel like the bad guy." So here is a list of The Top 5 Female Brush-Off Phrases that are most frequently used by the lovelies who are gently and politely telling you that your contract has been terminated and it's time to take a hike. The Top Five Female Brush-Off Phrases 1. "I think that we're really just in different places in our lives..." 2. "My plate is just so full. You know, I've got a lot of pressure at work and my sick mother to take care of, and my volunteer church activities, and my acting class. There's really no room in my life for a relationship now" or "I'm just not ready for a relationship..." (fill in the blanks here.) 3. "I think we need to take some time off." And the variation: "I need some space right now." 4. "Something has changed. I don't even know what it is," which often leads into the dreaded, "It's not you... it's me." 5. And my favorite, "I love you, but I am not happy." you're outta there, dude. Whether the two of you have been together for two months or two years, any of these phrases uttered from your woman's pretty, pouty lips spell doom and destruction for the relationship. So don't go into denial or scramble to talk her out of it when you get slammed with one of these. If she uses any of these five terms, it means her Interest Level has sunk below the critical 50% mark and all the talking and counseling in the world ain't gonna make one iota of a difference. Remember guys - never try to keep someone who doesn't want to keep you.

Getting Dumped 101 For Gays

Getting Dumped 101 For Gays by (Me? Dumped? Never! Lies! All of them, vicious Lies!) Joachim Frequently, when a man decides to dump another man, he wants to do it his way and be in total control of the process. Truth is folks; gay relationships aren’t any different from straight relationships - you meet someone you fancy, get to know each other and fall in love convinced (for the 53rd time of your life) that you’ve finally met The One. Then things fark up over something stupid like forgetting to buy the KY, you break up, LIFE’S A BITCH AND YOU DIE A HORRIFIC DEATH BY SOLITUDE AND SEXUAL STARVATION!!! Not that I’ve ever been dumped before or anything. Keen on the man-on-man dumping agenda is the need to preserve some level of congeniality in the relationship while severing all official ties. In other words – “Hey, I’m dumping your bitchass but let’s remain friends ok? This sentiment is borne largely out of the fact that the gay community is relatively small in comparison to the greater population. To have a nasty break-up would mean a) everyone and their sugar daddies will be talking about it for weeks; adding some “cili padi” and “lada hitam” at every turn, thus affecting your future espoucement opportunities and b) you ruin any chance of getting back together. “WTF?!” I hear you cry. “Why even think about getting back together when you’ve just broken up with somebody?” What you must understand is that one can only have so many relationships before one is fresh out of supply of man-meat and finds oneself back in the same butcher shop that began it all. Hence, the art of dumping is an intricate balance between emancipation from current sexual slavery and covering one’s ass. No buns, I mean puns intended. So if your boi boi decides to dump you, expect elaborate strategies and carefully planned lines designed to keep you at arms length but at the same time ready on call should your services ever be needed again (choiiiii!). My personal favourite is the ol’ “I love you but we just can’t be together” – immediately followed by a heavy sigh, trembling lips and eyes welling up with tears of remorse over some mysterious tragic occurrence that “you wouldn’t understand even if I told you”. There are those who have yet to master this dance and prefer to just not deal with it, hoping that it will all go away. Or rather that you will go away. So if he tells you that he is moving to San Francisco, after moving to San Francisco or starts hanging out in Liquid every night of the week, be forewarned – you are about to get dumped quicker than you can say “shit”.